So many times, clients struggle with basic concepts about life and relationships. They blame, confuse and repeat the same patterns over and over again when that really isn't necessary. Following are some of the things that need to be considered when you are having problems in a relationship.
- You are responsible for your own emotions.
- Each person chooses how s/he will respond to situations and people.
- Avoiding another person will not solve a relationship problem. (In fact, it might make it worse).
- Bringing up the past over and over again will not help with the present or the future.
- Trying to reason with another person might not work - if the other person is unreasonable, stuck in a position or not willing to listen.
- Ask yourself why this is so important to you. Perhaps you are stuck in an old pattern of negativity that needs to change.
- People can waste a lot of time and energy trying to prove that they did or didn't do something. Let it go!
- Remember that feeling sorry for someone is dangerous.
- Ask yourself "Will this matter in ten years?" (The truth is "This too shall pass").
- Sometimes you just have to ask forgiveness or give forgiveness and move on.
- All each person has for opportunities are today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone and cannot be changed.
- There are specific steps that can help to resolve conflict. The first is to define the problem.
- Talk together about the solutions to the problem and choose the agreed upon path to walk together.
- Understand that the past is a good predictor for recurrence in behavior in the future.
- Know your bottom line. What are the things that you absolutely cannot tolerate or accept?
- Have a firm plan that you will follow if the things that you cannot tolerate or accept appear.
- Follow your plan without re-negotiating, trying to reason or convince the other person of your perspective.
- Focus on how to have a good day rather than analyze problems every day.
- Say what you want instead of what you don't want.
- Know where you stop and the other person begins. (Enmeshment is when you do not know the line).
- Set healthy goals for your thinking, behavior and relationship.
- Do not make threats of anything that you will not be able to do.
- Follow through consistently.
- Use positive self-talk (affirmations) to build a positive life.
- Seek professional help when you are stuck.
Every single day you have the chance to start over and improve the relationship but that takes forgiveness and a genuine desire to see both the other person and your partnership grow. Be very careful about what you say and do because you just never know when things could end and leave you in a lonely situation.
On the other hand, be realistic about the relationship. If it does not provide both of you with an environment that will promote health, perhaps it is time to end it.
Think carefully before you do anything!