THE NARCISSISTIC CYCLE

There is an interesting thing happening in our country.  I am frequently hearing people being described as Narcissists by laymen who don’t have any training or knowledge about the definition of this term. It is easy to slap a label on someone, especially if you have been hurt by them but we need to understand exactly what a word means in order to be fair.

Mythology claims that an ancient Greek hunter named Narcissus who was known for his beauty rejected advances of all women and men.  Then he looked down into a pool of water, saw his own reflection and fell in love with himself!  This story forms the foundation for what we might call a self-centered personality style marked by grandiosity, excessive need for attention and admiration as well as an impaired ability to empathize.

Now as you can imagine, a person with this presentation and personality isn’t very easy to get along with.  Many of us have had bosses, co-workers, partners or friends who could be diagnosed with Narcissism, but clinical assessment is complicated.

Here is my simple explanation of this disorder.

Sometimes in childhood, for a number of reasons, development is affected by neglect or abuse of the caregivers.  This is not meant to blame the parents but merely to provide some understanding of how a child is affected by their environment during youth.  They therefore become preoccupied with maintaining excessively positive feedback from others because they want to be held in high regard.  In order to receive this, they manipulate others. They might appear to be confident, but they actually don’t think very highly of themselves on the inside and can’t regulate their emotions. Some claim that they actually hate themselves but don’t show it to society.

Narcissists react to others with extremely positive or negative emotions when they succeed or fail at receiving the confirmation that they want.  This causes chronic interpersonal and self-esteem regulation issues. Unfortunately, their arrogance, feigned superiority and aggressiveness can push away the people who they most eagerly want to adore them.

It is sad and very confusing for those who love a Narcissist.  The more they try to care for and help, the more puzzling it becomes, especially when arrested development is finally recognized when the Narcissist presents as grandiose, unrealistic, and irresponsible.

I have found that those who are really clinically Narcissistic can be cruel and inconsistent at times always pulling individuals closer until they are so close that it seems threatening for the Narcissistic who wants the attention but no commitment to give back.  Then they can be distant or even cruel.  It is weird because they crave love and attention but then push it away in a very predictable pattern.

If you think that you are in a relationship with a Narcissist here are some things to ponder:
1.     S/he will likely not change because they have used this pattern since childhood and think that they can manage life.  They always think that they know best.
2.    Narcissists seldom go to therapy because they are arrogant enough to think that they have everything together and don’t need help.
3.    Their diagnosis is “womb to tomb” – not like an Adjustment Disorder that can be treated successfully.
4.    When there is positive change, it is usually very, very small and the Narcissist might regress after they get what they want again.
5.    Narcissists are usually only motivated to change in order to meet their needs for attention.
6.    When Narcissists are in trouble they tend to blame and gaslight everyone else and only focus on the consequences of their actions – not on their actions.
7.    There is very little if any empathy for partners when hurt occurs.
8.    Attempts to help the Narcissist usually fail as they do not engage, participate or see value in change.
9.    Most people who are partners or employees or friends do not examine why they continue putting up with the pattern or cycle that moves from the Idealization Stage (love bombing) to Devaluation Stage (depreciation), to Repetition Stage and finally to Discard Stage.
10.    The only person you can change is yourself.  It is best to gain insight through therapy and support of friends so that you can learn to be independent and healthy without being dragged into the Narcissistic cycle over and over again.

And finally, don’t just slap a label on someone else. Look in the mirror and determine what keeps you in a situation that brings confusion, sadness and pain.  Then get help and look after YOU!  It’s not about them.  It’s about your health and happiness.

Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Medicine Hat.  She can be reached at 403-529-6877or through email office@drlindahancock.com