Shame on You!

Years ago, I heard someone say that guilt is when you think you made a mistake and shame is when you think you are a mistake.

Merrian-Webster has several definitions of shame, one of which is “A condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute”,

Most of us have heard someone say: “Shame on you!” but maybe haven’t considered how this statement has long-term consequences.

When you experience shaming, you might:

1. Refuse to tell the truth because you don’t want to get in trouble.
2. Withdraw and isolate - thinking that others wouldn’t want to be around you.
3. Adopt and hide habits that you believe would be shunned.
4. Neglect self-care because you don’t value yourself.
5. Refuse to try new things in case you look stupid.
6. Push yourself beyond reason to avoid appearing to be weak.
7. Hang around with uninspiring or destructive people who you hope will accept you.
8. Bury dreams and never set any goals.
9. Hold resentment and then do things in secret to get revenge.
10. Never seek out help.

Sometimes, unfortunately, people who have been shamed, begin to shame others, even when they swear never to do this.  They know how painful their experience was but then catch themselves treating others in the same manner.

In order to correct this condition, you first of all need to separate behaviours from character.  A person who accidentally breaks something is not a reckless person who can never be trusted. Missing a putt or the gold medal does not mean that a person is a lifelong loser.

If you realize that you have shamed someone and don’t know what to do about it, take heart.  First apologize and then change your behaviours.

If you have been shammed by someone else, there are several things you can do:

1. Confront the person and remind them that you have value and that making a mistake does not mean that you are a mistake.
2. Consider the source of the message. Perhaps the person who shamed you doesn’t know any better or was so shammed in the past that they think this is the way to talk to others.
3. Check your own behaviours. Stop withdrawing and focusing on negatives. 
4. Consider trying new things with positive people who can see your worth and encourage you.
5. Consult with professionals and loving friends or family who can help you let go and move on.