Relationships

Jimmy Buffet, in his song “Fruitcakes” states: “Now here comes the big ones, relationships, we all got 'em.  We all want 'em, what do we do with 'em?”  Very profound.

There isn’t any way to address the whole idea of relationships in one article as they are as complex and unique as the individuals involved.

There are three different styles or types that we will consider today:

1.     Dependent:  Some people need help to make choices and stay safe.  Children, those who are severely disabled and many seniors depend on others for feeding, mobility and dressing activities.  Others might become dependent on substances, activity addictions such as hoarding and gambling, or have suicidal intentions which require firm boundaries and support from professionals.

2.     Independent:  Many, including myself, live alone.  We are responsible for the choices we make and how we get our needs met, even though our options and ways of doing this are varied.  We decide what, when and how we will do things.  The problems arises when friends or family believe that we are no longer able to live independently, and we stubbornly resist!

3.     Interdependent:  This is the healthiest way to form and enjoy a relationship.  Often, I will visually demonstrate this to others by forming circles with the thumb and forefinger of each hand.  I explain that the right hand is one person who has interests and activities that they do without their partner.  The same is true for the other person who is represented by the left-hand circle.  When I interlink the two circles, there is a space formed in the middle.  That is the “us” of the relationship.  Where decisions and interaction are based on common ideas and goals.

Each of us has dependent, independent and interdependent relationships with different people.

Let’s do an exercise today.  Take a blank piece of paper and using two vertical lines, form three columns.  At the top of each, use one of the categories above as a heading. 

Now, briefly write one or several relationships you have established in each of the columns.  You might, for example, have:  Dependent children to care for; Independent responsibility for my career; or Interdependent relationship in my marriage.

Finally, examine the chart that you have completed.  Are there things that need to be moved to a different column?  How and when will you do that?  Will you need help to make the decision or to make the move?

Life is a series of choices.  Sometimes we can make them ourselves and sometimes, if we wait too long without taking action, others will make them for us.

We can’t change other people, but we can make good decisions for ourselves if we just put in the effort and consider the options.

Good luck?