LIMITS

Most of us were raised to be kind, polite and caring towards others.  The problem is to know where the line or limit is so that we don’t get so carried away that we end up suffering.

Often, I deal with clients who get dragged into the chaos of their family members. They might not have much contact when the relative is up to “no good” but as soon as consequences show up, the crisis alarms ring and the client is expected to fix everything.  

Well, the person in trouble isn’t the only problem.  Often the client has set himself up to be used. They think that they have to do the work that the family member should be doing.

Here are some things to consider:

1. People have free will – They cannot be forced to do what you think is right.  In fact, sometimes when you push a person they rebel even more.

2. Abuse and addictions are overriding issues – When a person chooses to use substances excessively, gamble with gusto or inappropriately deal with issues through manipulation, they need help you cannot give them.

3. Throwing money at a problem can make it worse – Perhaps your hard-earned funds will be used to buy more drugs, pay for a trip you have denied yourself, or served only as a temporary band aid.

4. The health care system has policies and protocol – Just because you take a relative to the emergency doesn’t mean that they will be admitted or treated.  In fact, they have the right to deny treatment even when they need it most.

5. Jail is NOT the worst place to be – I know that not everyone will agree with this one but think about Bernie Madoff who ran the largest Ponzi scheme ever totaling $65 billion dollars.  He admitted that being in jail provided him with peace, time to read, and respect from fellow prisoners who asked him for financial advice – all while his victims suffered.  Many educational programs are offered to prisoners as well as opportunities to make positive changes (if the inmate is willing to participate).  

6. Having a good response is important – When you are asked for help from a relative or friend, make sure that you give a good, short, clear answer.  The name and phone number of a treatment center is a good example.  Let the person in trouble do the work they need to do themselves. 

7. Learn the difference between remorse and repentance – Remorse is when you cry because you were caught doing something whereas repentance is when you cry because you truly want to change and are committed to doing what you need to do no matter the cost.

8. Develop patience – We don’t get into trouble overnight and certainly won’t get out of trouble overnight.  Two or three therapy sessions likely won’t change lifetime habits.

9. Be smarter than the person who is in trouble – Words and actions can be misaligned and just because promises are made doesn’t mean that they will be fulfilled.  If “A” is when you are asked for something and “C” is a good result, be cautious because the person involved might get what they want when you agree so they reach “B” and disappear!

10. Look in the mirror – What are you doing to improve your boundaries, stop enabling and promote healing?  Perhaps you are the person who actually needs therapy!

Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Calgary. She can be reached at 403-957-2444 or through email office@drlindahancock.com